Hello friends, and welcome to another late nite chat! It's been a long time since I've actually had a late nite chat session with you all, but I thought I would give it a whirl... :)
Anyway, in less than 12 hours I'll be at the hospital undergoing my first PET scan. For those of you who haven't really been following my health updates, here's the scoop: in November I got sick and had an ear infection and an annoying, but tolerable, cough. I got some antibiotics and was fine. Except the cough didn't go away. Then in December, literally overnight, I started having incredible pain in my joints, especially my hands, wrists, elbows, and knees. The doc thought I might have rheumatoid arthiritis, so he did a couple of tests. They all came back fine. So he gave me some prednisone and referred me to a specialist. I didn't go because the pain went away.
In April I still had this annoying, persistent cough that also caused me to wheeze. He listened to my lungs, gave me an antibiotic, and sent me off to get an xray. He thought maybe I had pneumonia, but he was doing the xray to rule out other possibilities. A couple of days later I got a phone call from the doc's office telling me I needed to have a CT scan because of the xray results. The CT scan showed that I had a 4cm mass on my right lung, close to my heart. LOVELY! In May, I saw a pulminologist who determined I needed to have a bronchoscopy in order to get a piece of the tissue from the mass to run tests on. All the tests came back fine. The pulminologist thinks I simply have an enlarged lymph node as a result of untreated pneumonia that would eventually shrink. He scheduled me for another CT scan which I had just last week. Unfortunately, the CT scan showed that the lung mass has not gotten smaller, but has in fact grown. It is now 4.5cm instead of 4cm. Which leads to the PET scan tomorrow....
The PET scan will show the metabolic activity of the mass. In short, this test will determine if the mass is cancerous.
The question is, then, why worry? I have reason to worry. And to some extent I am worried. I'm worried about the unknown. If I know what's wrong with my body, then I can figure out how to fix it. Well, the doctors can. :) But I don't know what this mass on my lung is. So I worry.
However, today I was reminded of something I wrote three years ago about worry. It's illogical and only breeds more worrisome thoughts. Not only that, but worry can't change things. I can sit and worry all I want, but it won't change my situation. It won't change whatever diagnosis comes my way. And it certainly won't fix anything. So I choose not to worry. I choose to place my trust in God who loves me and is holding my hand through this situation. The One who is my comfort in times of trouble. I'll cling to my husband who loves me and will hold me, comfort me, and be there for me through this stressful time. And I'll lean on my friends who love me and pray for me.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
invisible joy (2.9.09)
Hello, and welcome to another late night chat. By now I'm sure you realize that I'm not a big Myspace junkie like I used to be. Nor do I blog nearly as much as in the past. But, tonight I felt the desire to blog a little bit. Perhaps it's because I want to feel connected to a community. For a short time this evening I had a feeling of what it would be like to be invisible. There were people all around me, and while I was smiling at them and wishing to be in their inner circle, I knew that I wasn't and was positive that they didn't even notice me. At the same time, I know that they see me and value me. It sounds like a huge contradiction, but it's not. I guess that's why one shouldn't base anything solely on feelings or emotions.
After that experience I wasn't quite sure where my evening was headed. I knew that I had a midterm to take this evening and felt for sure that I was going to fail as the sheer volume of questions on the midterm seemed impossible to handle. Not only that, but right before taking the test my mom called and had a minor emotional breakdown. Any kind of breakdown right before a midterm is definitely not something one should have to endure, to say the least! Nevertheless, I took the exam and passed with flying colors. I am truly pleased that the midterm went so well.
As I couldn't sleep this evening, I decided to watch some regularly scheduled tv instead of my regular viewing of Friends and wound up watching Joel Osteen. I'm not a big fan as I think he has a tendency to just preach "fluff." Incidentally, Pastor Mark happened to mention him in his sermon today about how we should "leave him (Joel Osteen) alone" since he must be doing something right as he has the largest church in America. While I disagree with Pastor Mark to a certain extent, I decided to watch the show anyway and came away feeling uplifted and encouraged. Not that I think any differently about the fluff, but his message had a way of making me think about the circumstances in my life and the way in which I handle them. Simply put, am I going to let life's trials bring death and destruction, or am I going to rest assured in the joy that God gives?
What about you? Are you going to let life get you down or will you place your trust in the One who offers joy and peace?
After that experience I wasn't quite sure where my evening was headed. I knew that I had a midterm to take this evening and felt for sure that I was going to fail as the sheer volume of questions on the midterm seemed impossible to handle. Not only that, but right before taking the test my mom called and had a minor emotional breakdown. Any kind of breakdown right before a midterm is definitely not something one should have to endure, to say the least! Nevertheless, I took the exam and passed with flying colors. I am truly pleased that the midterm went so well.
As I couldn't sleep this evening, I decided to watch some regularly scheduled tv instead of my regular viewing of Friends and wound up watching Joel Osteen. I'm not a big fan as I think he has a tendency to just preach "fluff." Incidentally, Pastor Mark happened to mention him in his sermon today about how we should "leave him (Joel Osteen) alone" since he must be doing something right as he has the largest church in America. While I disagree with Pastor Mark to a certain extent, I decided to watch the show anyway and came away feeling uplifted and encouraged. Not that I think any differently about the fluff, but his message had a way of making me think about the circumstances in my life and the way in which I handle them. Simply put, am I going to let life's trials bring death and destruction, or am I going to rest assured in the joy that God gives?
What about you? Are you going to let life get you down or will you place your trust in the One who offers joy and peace?
before & after roe (11.1.08)
A number of friends have posted links, blogs, or general thoughts on the upcoming election in the past couple of days. Many of them have voiced their opinion on abortion and the changes that would be brought about if Sen. Obama was elected. While I am in no way, shape, or form an expert on the two candidates or the issues at hand, I do have an opinion about abortion and how this election could change the rules and regulations regarding it.
But, that's not the point. What struck me as profoundly imbalanced was the statistics of deaths before and after Roe v. Wade. Prior to Roe v. Wade "thousands of women died annually in the United States as a result of illegal abortions" (from the Freedom of Choice Act). After Roe v. Wade, however, millions of unborn babies die annually as a result of legalized abortions (from the National Right to Life website, which sites both CDC and AGI stats). MILLIONS. In fact, since 1973 there have been 48,589,993 abortions in the United States alone.
The fact is that while thousands of women have died as a result of abortions, millions of babies have died. Life is life, regardless of whether or not it is the life of the mother or that of the baby. Put into perspective, however, the statistics show that Roe v. Wade has had drastic consequences for several generations.
But, that's not the point. What struck me as profoundly imbalanced was the statistics of deaths before and after Roe v. Wade. Prior to Roe v. Wade "thousands of women died annually in the United States as a result of illegal abortions" (from the Freedom of Choice Act). After Roe v. Wade, however, millions of unborn babies die annually as a result of legalized abortions (from the National Right to Life website, which sites both CDC and AGI stats). MILLIONS. In fact, since 1973 there have been 48,589,993 abortions in the United States alone.
The fact is that while thousands of women have died as a result of abortions, millions of babies have died. Life is life, regardless of whether or not it is the life of the mother or that of the baby. Put into perspective, however, the statistics show that Roe v. Wade has had drastic consequences for several generations.
remembering 9/11 (9.12.08)
On that fateful day I was housesitting for my brother and his new bride as they were on their honeymoon in Jamaica. The constant ringing of the phone eventually woke me up and the voice on the other end instructed me to turn on the TV. That voice was my mother calling to inform me that an airplane had just flown into one of the World Trade towers.
Stunned by the news, I flicked on the TV to see what was going on in New York. As the reporting was repeating the information for the viewers, another plane flew into another tower.
Life changed at that moment. War became a reality not just a possibility. The United States of America had been attacked and was at war, something my generation had never really experienced. True, there was the Gulf War, but this was on our turf not in some far away land.
Eventually the news would report two more attacks that morning. One plane targeted the Pentagon while another went down in Pennsylvania. The plot would unravel to reveal these attacks to be the work of terrorists seeking to declare jihad on America. These men died as martyrs to all who support the idea of Islamic holy war.
But for Americans, life wouldn't be the same. As the towers crumbled and fell, children lost parents and spouses lost each other. Families were torn apart. As the Pentagon experienced a break in the wall, so Americans lost their sense of security. American life was now filled with fear and uncertainty. And, for a while, life once again became sacred. Family values and morals became a centerpoint of discussion. Even God was sought after once again.
Seven years later a lot has changed. Security has gotten tighter and our defense strategies have gotten tougher. Men and women have boldly stepped forth to volunteer to fight the war on terror that still rages in the world today. On the other hand, airports are emptier, the value of the dollar is at an all-time low, and people care about Britney Spears than anything else.
Despite it all, there is a generation that has been forever impacted by 9/11. This generation has lost its innocence but has risen to the challenge to be different, stronger. Above all, this generation sees hope and desires a love that is everlasting.
Stunned by the news, I flicked on the TV to see what was going on in New York. As the reporting was repeating the information for the viewers, another plane flew into another tower.
Life changed at that moment. War became a reality not just a possibility. The United States of America had been attacked and was at war, something my generation had never really experienced. True, there was the Gulf War, but this was on our turf not in some far away land.
Eventually the news would report two more attacks that morning. One plane targeted the Pentagon while another went down in Pennsylvania. The plot would unravel to reveal these attacks to be the work of terrorists seeking to declare jihad on America. These men died as martyrs to all who support the idea of Islamic holy war.
But for Americans, life wouldn't be the same. As the towers crumbled and fell, children lost parents and spouses lost each other. Families were torn apart. As the Pentagon experienced a break in the wall, so Americans lost their sense of security. American life was now filled with fear and uncertainty. And, for a while, life once again became sacred. Family values and morals became a centerpoint of discussion. Even God was sought after once again.
Seven years later a lot has changed. Security has gotten tighter and our defense strategies have gotten tougher. Men and women have boldly stepped forth to volunteer to fight the war on terror that still rages in the world today. On the other hand, airports are emptier, the value of the dollar is at an all-time low, and people care about Britney Spears than anything else.
Despite it all, there is a generation that has been forever impacted by 9/11. This generation has lost its innocence but has risen to the challenge to be different, stronger. Above all, this generation sees hope and desires a love that is everlasting.
who am I? (8.7.08)
Lately I've been listening to Third Day's (my fave band) new cd - Revelation. One of the songs on the album is entitled "This Is Who I Am." The truth is, there are times when I don't really know who I am or maybe I simply don't like who I have become. Other times I'm ok with me. Either way, here's a glimpse of who I am and my prayer to the Father (thanks to Mac Powell for putting it all into words):
I'm a saint and a sinner
I'm a lover and a fighter
I'm a true believer with great desire
I'm a preacher of grace, prophet of love, teacher of truth
I've fallen down so many times but here I stand in front of you
Take me as I am but please don't leave me that way
Cause I know you can make me better than I am today
I'm a saint and a sinner
I'm a lover and a fighter
I'm a true believer with great desire
I'm a preacher of grace, prophet of love, teacher of truth
I've fallen down so many times but here I stand in front of you
Take me as I am but please don't leave me that way
Cause I know you can make me better than I am today
puppy bites (3.6.08)
hello, and welcome to another late night chat! today was a rather short-but-long day. not really sure how to explain it. it kinda went by fast but slow at the same time. i was gone most of the day, and that part went fast. it was my time at home that went really slow. it's just kinda strange, that's all.
life with a little one is emotional. most of the time it's joyful; other times it's frustrating, annoying, and stressing. cuddle-time with brutus for a mid-morning nap and right before bed is so sweet. it's the in-between times that drive me up a wall. housebreaking is proving to be the most trying thing right now. brutus drinks a lot of water, so i'm constantly taking him outside, but he still seems to find a way to pee in the house...not to mention going number two. *sigh* housebreaking aside, little brutus tries to gnaw my fingers off! seriously, yesterday i looked like i had tried to cut myself......i had teeth marks that looked like cuts all up and down my arm. not to mention a few bruises from where he bit so hard! no matter what i do to correct him, it doesn't seem to work. in fact, tonight he seemed to simply get more agressive the more i corrected him, so i put him in his cage for 5 minutes. when i took him out, he wouldn't have anything to do with me. wish i knew what to do!
anyways, it's late and my battery is running low. guess i oughta go to sleep now.
'night!
life with a little one is emotional. most of the time it's joyful; other times it's frustrating, annoying, and stressing. cuddle-time with brutus for a mid-morning nap and right before bed is so sweet. it's the in-between times that drive me up a wall. housebreaking is proving to be the most trying thing right now. brutus drinks a lot of water, so i'm constantly taking him outside, but he still seems to find a way to pee in the house...not to mention going number two. *sigh* housebreaking aside, little brutus tries to gnaw my fingers off! seriously, yesterday i looked like i had tried to cut myself......i had teeth marks that looked like cuts all up and down my arm. not to mention a few bruises from where he bit so hard! no matter what i do to correct him, it doesn't seem to work. in fact, tonight he seemed to simply get more agressive the more i corrected him, so i put him in his cage for 5 minutes. when i took him out, he wouldn't have anything to do with me. wish i knew what to do!
anyways, it's late and my battery is running low. guess i oughta go to sleep now.
'night!
baby brutus (3.5.08)
hello, and welcome to my first late-night chat in a loooong time!
it's interesting because almost 8 months ago i got married, moved in with josh (and his parents), and life just changed. and it's still changing, although it kind of looks like it did 8 months ago. ya see, josh and i moved across the street from my parents....so i'm in my old neighborhood. prior to moving in with josh, i used to sit up in my bed late at night blogging away on myspace while friends played in the background, eventually falling asleep to the sounds of ross and rachel and all my old friends....for the last week, i've been doing just that (minus the blogging, which i'm doing tonight).
there has been one new arrival, however, that has drastically changed my world...baby brutus! he came into my world 3 days ago, thanks to josh being in a manic state. who is baby brutus, you say? he's the cutest black and silver minature schnauzer you ever did see!! born december 21st, he's just shy of being 3 months old. he's feisty, stubborn, and a cuddler. josh and i are trying hard to be good "parents" to the little guy, but it's a little trying at times. housebreaking is not so fun! neither is waking up in the wee hours of the morning to feed him and let him out....which is why i should be sleeping rather than blogging.
nevertheless, i just wanted to share some of my joy with ya'll. i'll be posting pictures soon!
love ya!
it's interesting because almost 8 months ago i got married, moved in with josh (and his parents), and life just changed. and it's still changing, although it kind of looks like it did 8 months ago. ya see, josh and i moved across the street from my parents....so i'm in my old neighborhood. prior to moving in with josh, i used to sit up in my bed late at night blogging away on myspace while friends played in the background, eventually falling asleep to the sounds of ross and rachel and all my old friends....for the last week, i've been doing just that (minus the blogging, which i'm doing tonight).
there has been one new arrival, however, that has drastically changed my world...baby brutus! he came into my world 3 days ago, thanks to josh being in a manic state. who is baby brutus, you say? he's the cutest black and silver minature schnauzer you ever did see!! born december 21st, he's just shy of being 3 months old. he's feisty, stubborn, and a cuddler. josh and i are trying hard to be good "parents" to the little guy, but it's a little trying at times. housebreaking is not so fun! neither is waking up in the wee hours of the morning to feed him and let him out....which is why i should be sleeping rather than blogging.
nevertheless, i just wanted to share some of my joy with ya'll. i'll be posting pictures soon!
love ya!
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