why worry?

Hello friends, and welcome to another late nite chat!  It's been a long time since I've actually had a late nite chat session with you all, but I thought I would give it a whirl... :)

Anyway, in less than 12 hours I'll be at the hospital undergoing my first PET scan.  For those of you who haven't really been following my health updates, here's the scoop:  in November I got sick and had an ear infection and an annoying, but tolerable, cough.  I got some antibiotics and was fine.  Except the cough didn't go away.  Then in December, literally overnight, I started having incredible pain in my joints, especially my hands, wrists, elbows, and knees.  The doc thought I might have rheumatoid arthiritis, so he did a couple of tests.  They all came back fine.  So he gave me some prednisone and referred me to a specialist.  I didn't go because the pain went away. 

In April I still had this annoying, persistent cough that also caused me to wheeze.  He listened to my lungs, gave me an antibiotic, and sent me off to get an xray.  He thought maybe I had pneumonia, but he was doing the xray to rule out other possibilities.  A couple of days later I got a phone call from the doc's office telling me I needed to have a CT scan because of the xray results.  The CT scan showed that I had a 4cm mass on my right lung, close to my heart.  LOVELY!  In May, I saw a pulminologist who determined I needed to have a bronchoscopy in order to get a piece of the tissue from the mass to run tests on.  All the tests came back fine.  The pulminologist thinks I simply have an enlarged lymph node as a result of untreated pneumonia that would eventually shrink.  He scheduled me for another CT scan which I had just last week.  Unfortunately, the CT scan showed that the lung mass has not gotten smaller, but has in fact grown.  It is now 4.5cm instead of 4cm.  Which leads to the PET scan tomorrow....

The PET scan will show the metabolic activity of the mass.  In short, this test will determine if the mass is cancerous. 

The question is, then, why worry?  I have reason to worry.  And to some extent I am worried.  I'm worried about the unknown.  If I know what's wrong with my body, then I can figure out how to fix it.  Well, the doctors can.  :)  But I don't know what this mass on my lung is.  So I worry.

However, today I was reminded of something I wrote three years ago about worry.  It's illogical and only breeds more worrisome thoughts.  Not only that, but worry can't change things.  I can sit and worry all I want, but it won't change my situation.  It won't change whatever diagnosis comes my way.  And it certainly won't fix anything.  So I choose not to worry.  I choose to place my trust in God who loves me and is holding my hand through this situation.  The One who is my comfort in times of trouble.  I'll cling to my husband who loves me and will hold me, comfort me, and be there for me through this stressful time.  And I'll lean on my friends who love me and pray for me.

invisible joy (2.9.09)

Hello, and welcome to another late night chat. By now I'm sure you realize that I'm not a big Myspace junkie like I used to be. Nor do I blog nearly as much as in the past. But, tonight I felt the desire to blog a little bit. Perhaps it's because I want to feel connected to a community. For a short time this evening I had a feeling of what it would be like to be invisible. There were people all around me, and while I was smiling at them and wishing to be in their inner circle, I knew that I wasn't and was positive that they didn't even notice me. At the same time, I know that they see me and value me. It sounds like a huge contradiction, but it's not. I guess that's why one shouldn't base anything solely on feelings or emotions.


After that experience I wasn't quite sure where my evening was headed. I knew that I had a midterm to take this evening and felt for sure that I was going to fail as the sheer volume of questions on the midterm seemed impossible to handle. Not only that, but right before taking the test my mom called and had a minor emotional breakdown. Any kind of breakdown right before a midterm is definitely not something one should have to endure, to say the least! Nevertheless, I took the exam and passed with flying colors. I am truly pleased that the midterm went so well.

As I couldn't sleep this evening, I decided to watch some regularly scheduled tv instead of my regular viewing of Friends and wound up watching Joel Osteen. I'm not a big fan as I think he has a tendency to just preach "fluff." Incidentally, Pastor Mark happened to mention him in his sermon today about how we should "leave him (Joel Osteen) alone" since he must be doing something right as he has the largest church in America. While I disagree with Pastor Mark to a certain extent, I decided to watch the show anyway and came away feeling uplifted and encouraged. Not that I think any differently about the fluff, but his message had a way of making me think about the circumstances in my life and the way in which I handle them. Simply put, am I going to let life's trials bring death and destruction, or am I going to rest assured in the joy that God gives?

What about you? Are you going to let life get you down or will you place your trust in the One who offers joy and peace?

who am I? (8.7.08)

Lately I've been listening to Third Day's (my fave band) new cd - Revelation. One of the songs on the album is entitled "This Is Who I Am." The truth is, there are times when I don't really know who I am or maybe I simply don't like who I have become. Other times I'm ok with me. Either way, here's a glimpse of who I am and my prayer to the Father (thanks to Mac Powell for putting it all into words):


I'm a saint and a sinner

I'm a lover and a fighter

I'm a true believer with great desire

I'm a preacher of grace, prophet of love, teacher of truth

I've fallen down so many times but here I stand in front of you

Take me as I am but please don't leave me that way

Cause I know you can make me better than I am today

worry (10.27.07)

Worry. Sometimes it just creeps up on you when you're not even expecting it. Here I was, all excited and feeling accomplished because I finished my initial research for my upcoming paper, and now all I can do is worry. I'm not worried about the paper, per se. Instead, I'm worried about how on earth I'm going to accomplish the tasks that have been set before me in the next 10 days. You see, I start a new class today (Monday). The new class requires at least two assignments per week to be accomplished, if not more. The first week I think I have three assignments due. The following week there is either two or three; I'm not sure. The class that I'm almost finished with - three weeks to go - has two papers, two responses, and a quiz due this week. The following week is when the research paper is due.


Here's the problem: I'm going to a Ladies Retreat with my mom November 1-3. I have an assignment due for my new class on November 1 and two assignments due on November 4, including my research paper! As a procrastinator, this poses serious problems because usually I would wait until November 3 to write the research paper. Probably even do some on the 4th since it's not due until midnight. Unfortunately, with all the other assignments that I have to do, that's not possible. As well as the fact that I'm going to be at a retreat! Unfortunately, some of my so-called "down-time" at the retreat is probably going to be used for writing my research paper. Unless, God help me, I can become disciplined enough to sit down this week and write a little bit every night in order to have my research paper done before going to the retreat. Anyone out there think that's possible???

On a side note, but not really a side note.......it's the entire purpose for me ranting and raving about this issue I'm having with worry. As I lay in bed tonight worrying about my research paper and prioritizing my time during the next two weeks, I realized that I had momentarily forgotten an important lesson I learned this week. The act of worrying is both illogical and unnecessary. Why? Because worrying does nothing except breed stress and more worrisome thoughts. You know what I mean? The more you worry about something, the more likely you are to become stressed out about the situation and then your thoughts begin to spiral until you're worrying about everything! Not only that, but it's illogical and unnecessary to worry because we have the reassurance that if God is concerned about the little sparrows and the fields of the earth, how much more concerned is He with us, His children? So, we don't need to worry about anything because He's going to give us the strength, courage, discipline, or whatever it is that we're lacking to make it through the situation we are worrying about.

Anyway, just thought I'd share those thoughts with you. And ask you to pray with me that the Lord would give me the ability to be especially disciplined this week in order to get my tasks done early. I don't want to be bogged down my homework during the Ladies Retreat. I want to enjoy the time with my mom, as well as some of the other ladies that I know are going to be there. You know this will be difficult for me - a procrastinator at heart - but I know that it's possible with God's help!

sweet relief (9.23.07)

Hello to all friends and some who just say they are!


I'm finished with my first week of class, and I'm proud to say that I didn't wait until the very last minute to finish my papers. I finished before 10pm, which some of you understand that that is the time I usually begin working on my assignments.

This week has been very challenging. For the past 4 years I've been accustomed to attending classes on various campuses. I've had a set schedule, and more of a focus. Now that I'm taking classes online, I've had to discipline myself to set aside time during my day to read, take notes, and to log on to the discussion board. It's been difficult, honestly. Balancing my marriage, school, and just life.....well, I guess God has me in this season to challenge not only my intellect, but also to teach me discipline. Discipline is not something I've been prone to enjoying in the last several years, which unfortunately has led to a complacent lifestyle in various capacities.

The questions to myself are: are you ready to step up to the challenge that God has placed before you? Are you willing to make changes in your life in order to be more disciplined in the physical, the intellectual, and most importantly, the spiritual aspects of your life?

an interesting insight (7.31.07)

I spent most of today reading an interesting little book called "Skin" by Ted Dekker. Dekker has been one of my favorite author's for several years now, with "The Circle Trilogy" marking some of his best told tales to date. I suppose the reason I enjoy his stories varies; perhaps because he and I share some similarities in life. Dekker was a missionary kid; I was a missionary. Dekker went to high school in Chicago; I lived in Chicago for two years. Dekker's major areas of interest in college were religion and philosophy; I, too, share those interests as I was a philosophy major. Ok, I may be reaching a bit here, but the point is, his books strike a chord in me. Perhaps because I relate to the characters and their flaws, their desires and dreams. Or perhaps it's because I relate to the journey that the all must make in life. One that I, too, am making...


Most of my life I have been longing for something, searching for deeper meaning. Mostly, I've been longing to love and be loved in return. As the days draw closer to my 30th birthday, I realize that my life has begun a new chapter. I'm not entirely sure what's going to be written in this chapter, even though I know that I have been given the freedom to choose what may be written in this chapter. But I do know this: I am loved and my life does have meaning. Sometimes I feel completely unloveable; worse than that, I know I don't deserve to be loved. Despite this knowledge, I know that I am loved. And with this love comes meaning.

My life's story hasn't been completely written, and I imagine that there are going to be many, many more stories to be told. But, one story I want to share with you is this: I found the meaning of life in India 15 years ago on my first missionary journey. That is, I am meant to be loved by my Father and to tell others about Him.
But, back to Dekker...today as I finished reading "Skin," I wanted to read more, so I stumbled onto Dekker's website and found some of his papers/essays. I read through every one of them, but the most striking was his profound insight at the end of his search for happiness. It is this interesting insight that I want to share with you:

"So then, this is the story of one man's search for happiness. Now we must ask the question that begs to be answered.

Did I find the ultimate happiness I was looking for?

Yes and no. I found great happiness but not on this earth. I was looking for fulfillment in this life, but with my eyes closed to the brilliant vision of eternity by which all pleasure this side of death is illuminated. I have lived most of the Christian life in a slumber to the bliss of eternity, and as a result I have been dissatisfied with that life.

I now embrace the pleasures of this life with as much or more passion as I did before, but I do so without expecting those pleasures to provide any more than a foretaste of what is to come a tremendously liberating knowledge.

Furthermore, I embrace those pleasures as a reminder of what is to come, without which I would undoubtedly forget and fall asleep to the promise of eternity.

Perhaps most importantly, I now enjoy the riches of my inheritance through a nearly miraculous power called hope. We must discover how to realize this power, and we will. Hope is our window into heaven and we must throw the curtains back to awaken our hearts to that most spectacular view."

i should call this something (5.15.07)

hello, and welcome to another session of the late night chats! monday's are usually my day's to sleep in. so, as usual, i slept in til about 1 today. i took my good ole time getting up, getting something to eat, and then taking a shower. then josh calls me to ask about stamps for our wedding invitations. after two or three different phone calls, we determine that josh is going to purchase the stamps and that i would bring the invites over to his house so that we could put the address labels and stamps on them. in the middle of all the phone calls, i was trying to work on my senior thesis presentation. of course, you all know how well that went...haha! this procrastinator barely worked on her presentation and ended up reading my sorry excuse for a paper to the class as my presentation. i did tell the class, however, that it was merely a rough draft and an analysis rather than a thesis as it is supposed to be. i also told them that i was sorry to bore them with crap, which got a laugh! oh well. at this point, i really don't care. and, i always try to do things with excellence, but i've got senioritis -- i'm ready for graduation!!!




but, back to the invitations. i only printed 50 invites, 50 rsvp cards, and 50 maps (for the out-of-towners and for ppl who have no idea where my old church is). however, josh and i have at least 90-100 people on our guest list. so, sometime this week i have to print up 50 more of the invites and rsvp cards, but not the maps because quite a few of the guests actually attend my old church. lucky me. hmmmm.......where did my simple wedding plans go? on the up side, i didn't have to pay for the stamps (thanks, mom-in-law)!



life is quite the adventure, don't ya think?! seriously, though, i consider all the things that are going on in my life right now and think to myself how great i have it. i've been around the world (literally) and the things that i think are overwhelming and draining are nothing in comparison to what the world is experiencing. i can always thank god that i have a roof over my head, money to pay the bills and provide for my needs, and family and friends that love me. not only that, but i have hope in christ.....a hope that exceeds anything else that the world can even think to offer. i know, i know...there are skeptics that are reading this blog (wait, there are people that read this?!) and thinking to themselves, "hope is christ...yeah, right...he's never done anything for me" there are probably others that are thinking "what?! god doesn't even exist." i'd like to challenge you to reconsider those thoughts. re-examine your life, looking closely at specific moments when you felt like giving up....



i dunno about you, but i sure am tired! yet, i'm not sleepy. wonder why that always happens around this time of night? oh well. i'm off to drink milk (cuz i hear it does a body good!) and then i'm going to fall asleep to my "friends."

fast-food joint missionary (12.3.06)

hey guys...nothing new in my life, really. i worked 12 hours today, but i feel like i did nothing productive. i was in a contest, however, and in conjunction with two of my co-workers, sold 83 Coca-Cola holiday bears. woohoo...isn't that just so exciting? if you're wondering where i work, i work at a place called RAX. it's kinda like Arby's. yup, i work in a fast food joint. and you're wondering why i miss ywam?! yeah, i'm a fast-food joint missionary. someone please tell what i was thinking when i left ywam chicago two years ago? yes, i knew God was calling me back home, and yes, i knew that God said yes, this is the man i have for you. but really, why on earth couldn't i find a better job? and yes, i know that God has me at rax for a purpose...there's a family there that He wants me to share my life with. i dunno....i guess what i'm really missing is that intense relationship with God that i used to have. instead, this past year has sucked in regards to my relationship with God. mindy, if you're reading this blog, i feel like what you were saying in a blog from like a year ago...that i need to go back to that place where i last felt the presence of God, and though that wasn't at ywam, it was at home, i'm just not sure how or where to start. i've started so many times, and cried at to Him so many times, but it just seems to fall on deaf ears...or maybe it's just my hard heart. who knows? anyway, i know i keep rambling..if anyone's listening, let me know...